


Doubts

by merry_magpie



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Secrets, Secrets Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-18
Updated: 2010-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-11 03:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merry_magpie/pseuds/merry_magpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Now Merlin knew everything the Great Dragon had said to him was suspect at best and very likely an outright lie."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

Arthur's clean laundry was tossed out on the bed in front of him, and Merlin was trying to fold it, he really was. He just couldn't stop his thoughts enough to focus on the laundry. And wasn't it a sad day, when he was tired enough even laundry took effort?

His problem, as far as he could pinpoint it, was that he didn't think about the Dragon much after coming back from the Isle of the Blessed. At first he was too exhausted, then too busy. It wasn't until Arthur was healed enough to get himself into another stupid conflict with another stupid magic user seeking revenge on Camelot that he thought about the Dragon at all. It was in the moment, standing near the doors to the Keep, between Merlin thinking, I wish I had time to see the Dragon and he could give me a cryptic non-answer that might help and no way, the Dragon is a lying, lair face and I'm not talking to him anymore that doubt crept into Merlin's heart.

Two days ago Merlin had been happy to see Arthur so well recovered and a little put out that Arthur didn't seem to realize how hard Merlin was working for him -in other words a normal day in Camelot. Then the sorcerer attacked, appearing out of nowhere in the courtyard after Arthur had finished training his knights. Spectacularly bad timing for the sorcerer since every knight was in the courtyard, in armor and armed. In Merlin's memory the event took on a farcical feel even if it had been deadly serious at the time. The sorcerer had waved his arms around threatening Camelot. Arthur had taken the offensive and attacked the sorcerer. Merlin hid near the doors to the Keep while he tried to figure out if he could blame away a stone falling from the sky on the weather.

In the end, Merlin enchanted Arthur's armor making it temporarily impervious to magic. When the sorcerer's magic didn't work on Arthur he didn't have the sword skills to fall back on for protection and Arthur won the duel in one clean blow. Merlin watched the head roll away from the sorcerer's body, the face still wide-eyed with surprise, and he made a silent promise to pay more attention during weapons training.

Still he didn't think about what that doubt meant until later that night while he tried to fall asleep. It turned his stomach to a sour mess and he hadn't slept since. Now he couldn't even fold laundry.

When he'd first met the Great Dragon (after he got over the surprise of a 30 foot dragon chained under the castle in a cavern so vast Camelot had to be the most structurally unstable castle in all of Albion) he had been elated to find he had some purpose for his magic. It was the first time in his life he hadn't felt like a monster for having the kind of power he did. The Dragon promised him a great destiny helping Arthur become a great and legendary king.

Even if at first he thought Arthur was the biggest arse he'd ever met, he had seen the glimmer of greatness about the man and knew he would make a truly noble king. After that, he had the privilege to get to know the man who was now his friend, still a prat but a friend nonetheless. All that had happened because Merlin thought he was supposed to risk dangerous discovery of his magic and protect Arthur.

Now Merlin knew everything the Great Dragon had said to him was suspect at best and very likely an outright lie. There was no golden future, no great destiny, only a lie told to create a future mostly likely to free the Dragon using a profoundly stupid and trusting Merlin. He could imagine the nightmare future the dragon wanted to create. It would probably involve killing Uther and installing Arthur upon the throne. Then forcing Arthur, maybe against his will, to over turn the rules against magic and freeing the Dragon.

Sadly, it was a twisted version of what Merlin had seen when he allowed himself to daydream about his future with Arthur: Arthur ruling wisely and benevolently, a king for the ages, with Merlin at his side as adviser, sorcerer, and trusted friend. All in a Camelot where he didn't have to hide what he was and where no one was executed simply because he could do magic.

If there was no great destiny for Merlin then who knew what the future looked like? Eventually, Arthur would become a king, and Merlin did not doubt he would be a good one, at least to those in Camelot Arthur already saw as his subjects – those without magic. Yet, in this possible future Arthur might not ever repeal the laws persecuting sorcerers. Would Merlin spend the rest of his life being Arthur's manservant, secretly saving Arthur's life while innocent sorcerers continued to die and less-than-innocent sorcerers attacked Camelot? He supposed if there was no grand destiny, if living here meant a life hidden in the dark, he could leave Camelot and Arthur. Yet, now that he'd grown to care about the city and the people in it, he couldn't imagine leaving.

"Merlin, no matter how long you stare at that shirt, it will not actually put itself in the cupboard." Arthur said, startling Merlin out of his thoughts.

He plastered a bland, idiotic smile on his face and turned towards Arthur. "I know, but I can hope."

Arthur continued talking over Merlin's answer. "Neither will the rest of my chambers clean themselves. I left you here two hours ago, these rooms look as hopelessly disorganized as this morning when I left." Arthur began to warm up to his subject, as he often did when it turned to how hopeless Merlin was at his job. "This is as bad as when you first started serving me. I thought I had trained you up to a passable level by now. Do we need to have lessons again?"

Merlin thought back to the lessons Arthur had given him on "how to be a good manservant." They mostly involved Merlin running around the room like a chicken with its head cut off while Arthur laughed. "Oh, no, Arthur. Really. I know you're particular, but I'll have this room-"

Arthur cut Merlin off. "Preferring clean chambers and asking my manservant to do his job is not being particular."

"There is no need for lessons again, Sire." Merlin said, in his best placating voice. He used it only because he knew it drove Arthur mad.

Arthur's smile faded as he looked Merlin squarely in the face for the first time since he interrupted Merlin's thoughts. "Merlin you look as if I had just shot a favored hound. Surely, cleaning my chambers is not that upsetting. Otherwise the chambermaids would have been in tears for years before you ever showed up."

Merlin turned around and tossed the shirt he'd been holding onto the bed. "I guess I feel a bit ill today. I'll have your chambers clean by the time you get back from training. I do promise you that." Merlin moved towards the table where Arthur's newly shined armor lay, clean from his last battle (and any lingering enchantments Merlin had put on it the day before).

Merlin walked over to Arthur to help him shrug off his red jacket. "You must be too ill to work if I toss you a perfectly acceptable opening about crying chambermaids and you let it pass." He said, as Merlin gathered the jacket and tossed it to the bed. "Merlin, since you are so obviously ill, get one of the aforementioned maids to attend to my chambers and take the rest of the day off. You were up most of the night with me the night before last and not all of us can be blessed with my constitution." He puffed out his chest in pride, but even Merlin could hear the barely concealed concern in his voice.

Briefly, Merlin imagined what it would be to live in Camelot five, ten, twenty years in hiding as Arthur's manservant. Still helping him out of his jackets and into armor. Still lying to him about his magic. He could picture Arthur, older, maybe with a beard, and wearing Uther's crown. He would have just ordered another execution for a kitchen girl caught brewing an ineffective glamor to help catch the eye of the new groom in the stables. Merlin would be just as he is today, exhausted from hiding his magic and his worry for Arthur, because to tell the truth would be to lose Arthur. To keep silent would mean watching someone else, an innocent, die under unjust laws.

Merlin could feel those 20 years of hiding and lying pressing on his chest suffocating him. More out of desperation than anything related to bravery, Merlin decided to put destiny to the test and see if everything the Great Dragon had said was a lie or if Arthur and Merlin did have a future together as golden as promised.

Merlin slipped first the maille then Arthur's tabard over his shoulders and tied the seams together; latching the red and gold Pendragon crest across Arthur's chest. He sucked in a breath and said, "What would you do, if, hypothetically, I was a sorcerer?" He looked up from his fingers still fiddling with the crest and into Arthur's eyes quickly before looking down again.

Arthur looked calm but he sounded confused. "Is this about yesterday?"

"What?" Merlin asked now just as confused.

"I did behead a sorcerer only yesterday. I can't image why you would care about a man who would try to tear apart Camelot. Literally. But I can tell you that there was no other way to stop the man. He was a threat to all of Camelot."

Merlin walked over to the table again. "You think I cared about the guy with the-" Merlin stopped and did his best to recreate the maniacal smile and oversized gestures of the other sorcerer. "I'm not asking what you would do if I was crazy Merlin seeking vengeance against Camelot, Arthur. I'm asking what you would do if I, dashing manservant to the Prince and dogsbody for the Court Physician - your friend - was a sorcerer." Arthur looked Merlin over, his eyes searching for something and because Merlin really was a coward, he turned to grab the gorget from the table, instead of meeting Arthur's gaze. When he turned around again Arthur was sitting down in his chair looking as pale as he had when he was first recovering from the bite of the Questing Beast.

"This isn't really hypothetical, is it Merlin?" Merlin could barely look at his Prince, but he could still hear the shock, betrayal, and anger in Arthur's voice.

"Not hypothetical at all, really." He said and tried not to be scared as he realized his life and his destiny were now in Arthur's hands.

"The reason the sorcerer couldn't touch me with his magic yesterday, that was you?" Arthur asked. Merlin nodded and Arthur sighed, "that makes more sense then incredible luck." He slumped in his chair. "You're breaking the most important laws in Camelot, Merlin. How do you think should react?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes, honestly, Merlin. Let's not hide the truth now that you're forcing this on me."

"As I see it you have three options." Merlin began as if he had practiced this speech a million times. Which he supposed he had. "You could turn me into your Father, as the law says you must." Merlin watched the scowl on Arthur's face deepen as he turned his face away from Merlin. "Or you could wait for me to turn into an evil sorcerer bent on destroying Camelot and then turn me into your Father." Arthur looked back up at Merlin, who was still standing near the table holding the gorget, watching Arthur's and his own reflection in the metal. The world reflected back to him warped in the curved silver sheen of the armor.

"You're not evil." Arthur said, quietly.

"You mean I'm too stupid to be evil?" Merlin said, a half smile quirking his lips suddenly too afraid to take the situation seriously. It was ludicrous to tell Arthur in the first place and it was equally absurd to listen to Arthur insist he was not evil, when he had just confessed to using magic in Camelot.

"I know you're not evil." Arthur said shaking his head. "As much as it pains me to say this, I've never met a more loyal and good friend than you."

"Then there's a third option." Arthur waved his hand impatiently at Merlin, telling him to continue. "You could decide to spare me. Keep me as your secret weapon, instead. I would be as strong as your sword for you, Arthur, and able to fight off any magical attacks against Camelot. Which is what I've been doing since I arrived here."

Arthur started to say something, and paused, then started again. "First, you are going to tell me about saving Camelot multiple times in the near future when I'm not so angry I could strangle you."

"Yes, Sire." Merlin said, thinking perhaps that now was the time to fall back on protocol, but Arthur merely glared at him.

Arthur leaned on his hand, massaging his temple and Merlin looked at the gorget and its warped reflection of the room. Merlin thought, because he'd obviously gone funny in the head under the strain of keeping his magic secret, how weird it would be if you could only look at the world through the reflection in the curved metal. Everything would be bent and skewed. How nice it would be when you could look at the world normally without any distortion.

Finally, Arthur said, "I won't keep you as a weapon, Merlin. I keep you as a friend, but you will need to be trained to defend Camelot, just as any of my knights would. Even if your sword skills are abysmal I can comfort myself, at least, with the knowledge you have other talents."

Arthur stood up from his chair, his decision made and a healthy color returning to his cheeks. Merlin walked over to Arthur and hesitated. It was different to put on this armor now that Arthur knew who he was and could guess at his power. He waited for a flinch or some other sign Arthur would not be comfortable with Merlin touching him. Instead, Arthur said, "Come on, Merlin. I have to get down to the practice field sometime today." Merlin let out the breath he had been holding and put the gorget around Arthur's neck and walked over to the table for the pauldron. He looked at Arthur and attempted a smile.

"Don't you look at me like all is forgiven, Merlin. I'm still angry," Arthur said refusing to return Merlin's smile. "And, betrayed."

"Of course, Sire."

"And don't pretend you're a submissive manservant now."

"I'd never dream of it, Arthur. I'm quite happy being only passable."

"I suppose your talent with magic is only marginally better than your sword play." Arthur said with a hint of playfulness, daring Merlin.

"Oh, no. What I lack in skills with a sword I more than make up for in other ways." Merlin stretched out his arm at the room and it ordered itself: clean clothes in the cupboard, bed made, the fire banked, and everything straightened. "I would say very I'm very competent."

Arthur cuffed him on the back of his head. "But still an idiot. You lock the door before you do that again. Understand? We are still in my father's Camelot."

Merlin finished helping Arthur into his armor knowing while he could not be sure he had a great destiny beside a king as foretold as in legend, he did have a future with a friend who would be king, one in which Merlin would not always be hiding in the dark and afraid for his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Set post-season one, and written before season two. Jossed by the angst of season two.


End file.
